I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
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