He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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