I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
