i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos