my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
