cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.