I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
These Little Things Make People Overly Angry
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
These Medical Professionals Recall the Worst Cases of Hypochondria They’ve Seen
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.