I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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