hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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