3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
