I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We need to get me chipped asap
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
