Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
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it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
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DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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