i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
jump out the window naked night went bad
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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