Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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