Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
