Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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