I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
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First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
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I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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