i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
