last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
