How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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