i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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