I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
