Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
