just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
