I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
