Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Randomize
