my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
