I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
