New invention idea: vibrating tampons
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
