your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
