Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
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