does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
