my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
