I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
