I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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