i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
