In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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