The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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