btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
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Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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