Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
