We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
