not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
