I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
