So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
even my farts smell like vagina
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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