i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize