I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
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The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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