It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
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I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
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I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
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