I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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