she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
