Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
