I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
porn star boner night. come get it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
