I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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