I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Michael Bay diarrhea
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
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