I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
