I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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