Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
